Ticket Scalping

Ahhh....my hatred for those enterprising individuals who consciously prey on the fanaticism of concert goers, can only be matched by my disdain for egomaniacs and picky eaters. Irregardless of personal likes and dislikes, scalpers will scoop up obscene numbers of tickets, blind to any genre preferences (or taste in music for that matter), merely to pay homage to the all mighty dollar, and force those seeking golden tickets to the chocolate factories of Celine Dion and 50 Cent alike, to triple or quadruple their expenses, and often times write essays on craigslist as to why they are most worthy to bestowed with the honor of putting extra money in the hands of these scummy and opportunistic individuals.

Personally, the shame of actually having to purchase multiple Celine Dion tickets is enough to keep me from scalping myself. But the ultimate question arises, should scalping be illegal?

On one hand, our country's system is based on free market enterprise. Through this paradigm of modern progress, the U.S. has become the leader in the development of new technologies and scientific advances. The principle of first come, first served, has always forced those of us with more casual attitudes, to sack up and fend off the potential onslaught of competitors to achieve or maintain some slight advantage. Thereby making the grand machine of our national economy run more efficiently and raise the level of some obscure measure of our economic health known as the GDP. Eat or be eaten, step up or step aside, f*** or get f***ed…all to make the little guy from Texas, with an oddly shaped office on Pennsylvania Ave., seem just a little bit smarter. Has our desire to make a quick dollar really blinded us to our humanity and sense of community? I don’t think anyone can disagree with me when I say “you betcha!”

Screwing the other guy has become as much a part of our national identity as apple pie or baseball, or in Hawaii’s case, portuguese sausage with breakfast. We have never shied away from going into a foreign country, depleting their resources, and leaving them without a penny. (If you don’t believe me, read Confessions of an Economic Hitman) As much as I would like to be able to appeal to the altruistic nature of the individuals in power, alas, I know my hopes and dreams for our society only fall upon deaf ears…However, there is hope…

As efficient and necessary as it all may be for the “greater good”, even the most Machiavellian individual knows that without the support of the public, those captains of industry are one step away from being hunted down like Frankenstein or Kenneth Lay. This is why often times, the most important industries cannot be left to the whimsical machinations of the child we know as capitalism, then we'd be left with too many Wal-marts and not enough Aloha Airlines. Imagine if you will, that instead of Kokua Festival tickets, I was referring to a limited supply of a universal cancer vaccine. Do you think that the government would allow the supply to be controlled by a few enterprising individuals? Sadly, the answer is yes, but the public riots and ensuing chaos would force them to reassess their policy, seize the existing stock of vaccine and distribute it in an orderly and somewhat just manner. My point is that we, the public, are the guardians of justice and equality.

Am I encouraging storming the gates of Kokua Fest, like a Darfurian refugee, at the risk of embracing a baton to the head? No, my analogy was for life saving medicine, not concert tickets, you idiots…leave your fence climbing shoes at home. Besides, this is Jack Johnson and Dave Matthews, not Rage Against the Machine. What we must do is control demand, not demand control. So instead, my advice to you is to bring a lawn chair, get drunk before hand (or find creative ways to drink in public), and catch a cab down to Kapiolani Park. You’ll be sitting under the stars, listening to the music you’ve been craving, smoking the illicit materials of your preference (as if I could stop you), and watching the idiots with far too much bravado and blood alcohol content playing an impromptu game of rugby with the members of HPD. All in all, not a bad time, meanwhile, you’ll be sticking it to the scalpers by not purchasing their tickets, forcing them to take a loss on their investments, and hopefully putting an end to this silly game of “what would you do for a Klondike Bar?”

As for my ultimate question of should scalping be illegal? Yes…errrr, No….uhhhh, I don’t know. It doesn’t matter anyways, like the inevitable occurrence of the big fish eating the little fish, scapling will continue, illegal or not. So be it...jello shots anyone?